Refereeing’s a funny old game

You always think of refereeing as a serious business. You have to. What is perhaps less well-known is how odd it can be and how many laughs we and others get out of it. Not just funny ha-ha but funny peculiar as well. More on the local parks I suspect than in the professional game where there’s more at stake and everything’s a bit more predictable. Except for the odd streaker or two.

Colour-blind as well?

Yet there was that recent occasion when the immaculate Premiership referee David Ellery, not the teams, caused the colour clash. He didn’t notice until Leeds players complained, that refereeing Newcastle in a black top was perhaps not the best choice. He changed to a Leeds United T-shirt which seemed to suit them (and him) much better.. 

Then, on the same theme, there was that match between Coventry City and Southend United that had been in progress for three full minutes before anyone, including referee Arthur Holland, noticed that both teams were playing in blue and white!

You can't help laughing

Some of the laughs referees create are pretty obvious – like the time I was running backwards in pouring rain, slipped and ended up prostrate in the mud. Nobody seemed to take much notice until I scrambled to my feet, and they saw the state of my previously immaculate kit. They had a good laugh. But it wasn't over yet - when I next tried to blow my whistle (which I keep in my hand), I discovered why you always carry two - mud is a wonderful silencer (and tastes pretty awful as well).

Another one at my expense happened years ago at a Reading Cup game in Basingstoke. I was on the line, Mike Borland in the middle. The first time the ball went off at my side I vigorously raised my flag and gave the direction. The flag left its stick and flew off in a graceful arc, landing about thirty feet away. Everyone fell about laughing (including me). A player retrieved the flag, handed it back and, keeping a perfectly straight face, said: ‘I think this is yours, Lino’. We all had a super game and, although you can’t prove that that little incident set the tone, maybe it did. 

Strange things happen too. Like that time the referee cautioned Plymouth’s Tony Spearing instead of Tony Witter. Simple case of mistaken identity? Well, as Spearing pointed out, he’s about 5’8” and white and his teammate is 6’4” and black!

An early bath - for the ref

Closer to home there was the extraordinary case of the swimming referee, Gordon Crutchfield, known to many on the local parks. The game at King’s Meadow was on the pitch closest to the river. An errant kick ended up in the water and there was only one match ball. No player made a move so Gordon, determined not to lose the afternoon’s football, stripped to his slip and dived in to retrieve the ball. He didn’t get any laughs, just applause and smiles of relief and gratitude. I suspect that ‘being struck by a passing boat’ would have not been covered by his referee’s insurance.

A couple of characters

Players and spectators often bemoan the fact that today’s referees seem more bound by the Laws and that we don’t have the characters of yesteryear. I guess we all cherish memories of the actions of eccentrics like the chubby, bald-headed Football League referee Roger Kirkpatrick, for whom the players seemed to have a particular respect and soft spot. None though can quite compare with David Downs’ favourite - his old school music master whose style of refereeing was unique (and doubtless not approved by the Berks & Bucks FA). The usual pitch was adjacent to the school drive and so he drove up and down in his car, lowering his window when necessary to blow for any infringement. At least that’s David’s story and he’s sticking to it.

They do say that real life is stranger than fiction. Where refereeing is concerned, it certainly seems to be so.

Brian Palmer

 

© B. Palmer 1999

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